Diet is “Die” With A “T”
Oh woe is me!
I have yet to replicate the excercise and diet regimen I did prior to attending my sister’s wedding in 2003. Have resigned to the fact that I may never get to that point…before our scheduled Carnivale Cruise with the Super Friends come this May.
Insecurity stems from the fact that I gained 40 lbs to bring my now 10 month old daughter into this world. I have hips the size of snack trays…J-Lo’s ass circa “In Living Color”. I don’t have stretch marks, I got tire tracks. I’ve got a whole network of freeways and overpasses going from east to west and north to south of the belly button.
I am shameless in admitting these horrid flaws because right now all I care about is expressing my deep pang of despondency. No matter, hubby loves me for who I’ve become even though most of the time I have to fight the urge to use the stapler at work as a surgical treatment for my “wobby bits”.
# of calories ingested today: 1,269,890. Volume of water drank: 8 cc. #of fags: 1/2 (the Santa Ana winds helped burn my last cancer stick away).
My Weakness:
RICE : for the love of God, I can not simply shun rice away if there’s fried chicken on the table.
CHOCOLATE: A close placebo for depression and can supplant sex I always say
SODA: anyone who as known me knows, that even with my extreme gastritis it is one thing I will not give up.
FRIED FOODS: Pork, chicken, fish…tofu…bring ‘em out, I’ll chomp ‘em up!
EASY AND SWIFT RESOLUTION:
Do what I do best; without the use of illegal drugs. SLEEP DEPRIVATION. I am the tame Nosferatu. I thrive and am most active artistically past 1 am.
STARVE: Best accomplished when imagining I’m back at work. That makes me lose my appetite all the time.
HOPE FOR THE BEST and most of all, stick close to people fatter than me. I’d be as petite as Eva Longoria if I dated Chris Penn.
Somebody tell me I’m out of my tree and fast!!!
Shove it up URANUS.
Tiyen’s Most Wanted Shit-List
1. Scott Peterson (or anyone who falls under his category; a philandering swine who, for lack of valor chose the easy way out by murdering his wife and their unborn child).
2. My niece’ husband, Mark Cabar...is also very close to bumping off Mr. Peterson from the number 1 spot. A self professed pusher and roguish individual; he is reeking of malice, disrespect and ineptitude. Never lend him a dime!!! He’ll even threaten you after you’ve taken the shirt off your back. Stay away from this fucker!!!
3. Office Management. Currently I am working part time…still, I have the work load of 5 full time employees. I have so far not gotten any encouragement, reward or compensation. My gastritis seems like it’s going to be here to stay and I have been asking for more refills of Xanex than ever before. I am always made to feel like a hot steaming pile of shit and that’s also how much I am being paid for…
4. Idiots that I deal with at work; ’nuff said. They are the hemorrhoid of the butt of life.
5. J-Lo’s better half (unfortunately not even better looking), Marc Anthony. There is something sleazy and shady about a skinny ugly ass Latin crooner who remarries way before the ink on his divorce papers even dry. What in Jesus’ name was Dayanara thinking when she hooked up with this guy?!! My dog’s ass looks better than that thing!!!
Viggophiliac
Just saw the future would be Jesus of The Passion of Christ pick up on G.I Jane tonite. But nothing prepared me more than seeing my Viggo in shorts, screaming obscenities and most of all…kicking Demi Mooore’s ass. I take peverse pleasure in seeing him bark sadistic orders at the Navy Seal wannabees. Ooooh, is it getting hot in here or it is just me?
Lord and Lady Mortensen. My older man; damn you are so fine you more than just blow my mind….YOU MAKE ME WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN! God Bless your mother for bringing you in to this world!
And those beautiful mother-lovin’ blue green make-you-want-to-tear-your-bra-off EYES!
Don’t get me wrong, not everything I love and lust about him is physical. That inate flair for the aesthetic rocks my BOAT! Did I say I am smitten also with his dedication to his son, his music, his art and photography… I own and have seen all of the extended versions of LOTR, and everyone who has ever worked with him not excluding the stunt crew…REVERE HIM!!! Let’s not forget the chisled feaures and that seductive dimpled chin.
Should confess that at this point, my stalwarth UBER reeking of sex appeal Ellesar, Elfstone, Strider and Aragorn, you’re my number one… AND sneaking closely and fighting for the #2 spot is Hugh Jackman and Johnny Depp (both must most definitely reprise their roles as Logan and Jack Sparrow respectively)…and creeping in num-bah 3 (damnit it’s another unbefuckinlievable tie again); Oded Fehr and Karl Urban (who by the way could really pass as the cutest most gorgeous twins in the entire universe).
Ey, Viggo my corazon is yours! 
Bored as a gourd (old post)
Sept 30, 2004
Setting: Sitting in minuscule cubicle with the dimentions of an airplane lavatory.
Mood: Madness and chaos galore. Boss is going mad and losing composure. I believe his fly has been open (and enjoying too long of gasps for air) for quite sometime. Will not spare him an ounce of dignity. Sod him for giving me lots to do.
Am trying to imagine studmuffin (insert face of Viggo/Aragorn) 
rescuing me from sheer boredom. 
# of cigarettes: 0 (ahah! Have given up nicotine in exchange for gallons of sprite soda…good plan!)
10:49 AM
Am facing a myriad of paperwork. Must continue to keep sanity intact. 
Note to self: hide away in the loo and fart the stress away.
11:15 AM
American Geriatric Goblin just passed by my cubicle demanding more work…have decided to grin and bear it and imagine the floor beneath her would give way and that the earth swallow her back to the depths of hell. Have achieved temporary nirvana with mental image (insert smile of the bull).
11:25 AM
Sod that!!! I will maim her!!! 
May a million fleas infest her pubic area and leave her bawling in agonizing pain!
11:50 AM
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Am so behind (on my work) I can see my own ass…
12:15 PM
Absofuckinlutely starving beyond comprehension. Will have to decide to ingest purchase orders and invoices in place of normal meal.
12:36 PM
Am flatulating quite audibly without regard of who or what is lurking nearby. Have ingested mainly airconditioned air and string cheese. Am now certain on the reason why I’ve been farting heartlessly…
1:00 pm
Have received hilarious email on how to "shit like a man"…and now the responsible chain emailer for new joke…have found power and dignity in the irresponsible emailing of galling joke. Will deal with the groans and moans later.
Going “Six Feet Under”
Monday, November 8th, 2004
11:48 pm
Life as we all know it has just ceased for me. It all happend after I found out that my favorite tv show is being cancelled. Put to rest…everybody has been sacked! Could it be the over use of homosexual overtones not to mention the unapologetic showcasing of ramdom deaths whether they be tragic, grotesque or sometimes, comical (like during the time when a lady died sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons…murdured by a stray golf ball on the noggin; whose intense g-force must’ve caused instant death). I am depressed…feeling guilty for taking for granted the only family I imagine to be a part of. I long to be a bohemian like Nate (pre-Lisa Kimmel-Fisher days), disciplined and yet never sexually repressed David, acerbic tongued Claire, prim and proper Ruth, a genius and unapologetic-to-the-world Brenda. Sod life now. Because of Six Feet Under, I am fearless of death. I am now more apathetic towards outcasts, losers, manic depressive individuals with narcissistic rage, nymphomaniacs, commitment phobics, homophobics, homosexuals, drug addicts, morticians and people of the "death care" industry.
I am your kin and I will always keep you close to my heart…and in demonstration of my obsession and lust for the show, I will now attempt a melancholy exorcism; the only way I know how…drink lots of lemon lime soda and gobble down as much Cheetos until my entire hand is coated with orange powdery substance (from the cheetos you moron!!!) .
Very very sad end of my new year. What next, destroy the Mark Darcy and Bridget Jones union?!! What?!! You mean they’re not even real people?!! What the fuck is the world gettin’ into?!!!
Current Mood: melancholy
Office Flambe
October 18th, 2004
2:41 pm
-Have almost sent the company in total flames…quite literally. Have decided to ignore obvious instructions on what NOT to do while microwaving. I made a horrible decision to stick my instant bachoy meal inside the microwave without regard of the consequences I have to face by leaving even the aluminum foil cover inside. I have thus decided just to admit ninny-like behavior and flash my most sheepish grin. I have always thought of a less obvious way of showing my repugnance towards office work, but this method was a little off the top. Thus I have sentenced myself to a night of carbohydrate free dinner and only one can of soda. That is punishment enough for me.
Current Mood: ditzy
“Jonesing” Around
November 12th, 2004
10:50 pm
Apart from it being a friday (the end to an always horrible work week), I am getting my knickers in a tight wad, because today of all days, Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason is released in theatres. The only scorn I feel is the knowledge that I can not see the movie my heart has been pining to watch. My husband has beat me to "reserving" this day, as a day-to-yourself-night-with-the-chaps sort of thing. Bullocks to that!!!
I am so excited to watch this movie because (also apart from the 3 Lord of of the Rings movies)Bridget Jones Diary and The Edge of Reason have been the bible of my life. The Old and New Testament if you will. And Bridget is my savior. My female messiah. She is my hero and mentor. I connect with her the same way Ike turner connected his fist to Tina Turner’s face….
I feel what she feels or at least I imagine to know what it feels like to be like her. To not completely understand oneself and underappreciate ones abilities and gifts. I have always thought I’d end up alone, maybe even die alone in a sad little flat and discovered way later…after neighbors complain of awful decomposing stench resembling a wild african elephant.
Bridget is the reason why I love to write. She has given me the ispiration to speak with such unforgiving honesty that it makes me feel whole and alive.
She’s large and in charge (at least in writing) and unresistable to all. Her story’s captured my heart as much as the victory verdict for Lacy Peterson (hubby will either sleep with the fishes by lethal injection or quite rightly, forever be someones bitch in maximum security prison).
When Mark Darcy professes her love to her via the intercom, he is in fact, professing to me. And all the stupid girly feelings I have put aside in years slowly creep back. I no longer feel I’ve gained more than 30 lbs, entering the 3rd decade in this world, and am sometimes lonely and alone. I now feel 19 years old again. Anxiously waiting for my crush to sit next to me at school and ask ridiculous questions like, "what’s the time". At the time when an emergency lobotomy was much needed by me, a question like that is interpreted as a marriage disposal. A profession of undying love.
I forget that there are problems in the world and in my life.
Aaaah yes, Bridget is my kin. The image I feel I have inside.
Jones is my middle name…
Current Mood: ecstatic
