°o.O Keyboard Tourettes© O.o°

Current Music:  Based on the title of today’s post, I’ll give you you three guesses as to what that is?  There might even be a cookie in it for you…

Current Mood:  I was busy just a few hours ago…I was on a roll!  Then my boss stepped out for a quick whiz, so I decided to check out the downloaded clip of Hugh Laurie’s guest appearance on Regis and Kelly (any exposure is GOOD exposure I guess)…so NOW I’m back to being lazy and withdrawn because NOW I just want to daydream about Hugh…mmmmmmmmmmm….

Just made minor changes to my blog (I’ve done a lot of my own beta work on 3 other posts)…I have now added a music video clip for your viewing and listening pleasure (except of course, if you do not care to hear or see the artist I have chosen this week).  Just last week, I used Coldplay’s "God Put A Smile Upon Your Face" and today,  I changed it to Lenny Kravitz’, "It Aint Over Till It’s Over"…it’s my tribute to my firm belief that come Season 2 of House, I’ll get me some House/Cameron loooooooooooooooove.

And on to my worhtless celebrity analysis…

It was reported that Britney Spears-Ferderlame had to give up her chihuahua due to irreconcilable differences between said pooch and her lame-o husband, Kevin.  One must be reeking with insecurity to feel threatened by a pint size canine.  You already can tell what a wonderful (NOT!) paternal figure he is (judging that he dumped the mother of his kids right after he made FIRST base with Britney)…Once this baby arrives,  I wonder how long he’ll be able to stand playing 2nd fiddle…he’d probably force her to give the baby up for adoption (or better yet auction it off on eBay).

Annnnnnnnnd let’s get back to talking about Hugh…

Just saw posted pics of HL in his birthday suit **eyes glazing**.  Aaaaaaaaaaaah, life is good.  God is good.  Thank you Baby Jesus!!! 

Have a safe Memorial Weekend everyone!  Don’t do anything I won’t do…like shaving your legs while driving 80 MPH on the 405 freeway… 

First of all……..GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that I’ve let it all out, you all should now resume to whatever the fuck ya’ll were doing.
Ok, one more itty bitty quibble: Bo was such a shoo-in. But alas, most of the real talent these past few seasons of AI have been shamefully overlooked. Mooooooooooooooooving on…

I’d like to retract my previous post concerning Jessica’s Simpson’s divorce. Now I feel like a bigger ass than before**turns around to look down and observe own fanny**. It’s all ETs fault! Only now I’m so peeved, I don’t know where to run to for an indepth analysis of Paris Hilton’s big toe. Shame on you ET!!! Trying to ruin this poor womans marriage! . Expect editorial heads to roll! Libel suits galore…but what the hey, we’re talking about the Lackey family here (which includes sister-in-law Ashlee commiting the worst replication of a "Milli Vannilli"). Who thinks we should all complete a petition to save this marriage made in heaven? **crickets chirp**…ooooooooooooooor maybe NOT!

I love you all (especially you, my hubby wubby Neilsie pooh for dealing with a deranged woman every single day for the rest of your natural life)…hey, where are you going? I thought you loved me?!!

What is that sound? Oh, it’s my House/Cameron ship being shot and is now swirling down a vortex of shattered romantic hopes; just like what happend during Britney’s "Chaotic" television debut. WHY?!! **raises arms and questions the sky as passers by snicker in amusement**

Assessment of tonight’s episode of "House": fucking brilliant…is it even possible to combine the word fucking and bloody and brilliant all in one euphamism? Again, the night is stolen by the ultra talented, urbane, meek, sexy, cerulean eyed Hugh Laurie. I am prepping up for the 3 months I will endure not having any clue as to the fate of my House/Cameron ship. One of the last scenes that took my breath away (and splintered my heart) was when Dr. Cameron finally throws in the towel to any hope she may have of being loved by the man who refuses let others care for him. To just love him in the background as she witnesses everyday with scorn and heartbreak the love of her life wanting someone else. That was a poignant moment. It makes me want to claw my way into a hole and spontaneously combust.

And in other heartbreaking news (HA HA - think Nelson of the Simpsons), it was reported that Jessica Simpson developed a brain stem that allowed oxygenated blood to nourish brain cells that were responsible for logic, and the pursuit for truth…in other words, she filed for divorce **cue in angry emails and calls from experts attacking idiotic medical metaphor**. Mr. Lackey will now be known as the sorry ass bi-product of a boy band who has failed miserably in his music career and marriage. Even IF HE was the ONE between them who KNEW that "chicken of sea" isn’t at all - chicken. Maybe if he had a rack the size of two bowling balls and legs that stop traffic; he would have been the successful one of the two. Instead, he’s just the philandering fart bag who will not amount to anything…except a great one night screw. Now I know it’s bit of a low blow, but I am wearing my vinyl Dominatrix bodysuit and this bit of verbal defilement suffuses me with perverse pleasure **cracks whip**. "Down on your knees Nick and eat gravel you pathetic excuse of a human being!!! That’s Madam Tiyen to you; you filthy little worm!!!"

I’m going to miss you Greg and Allison!!! It’s 12:25 in the morning; and I just finished dinner! Damn you plot bunnies! **starts constructing first fan fic**

Current Activity:  Half-Inched my own private viewing of Disk 1 Season 1 of Jeeves and Wooster in the comfort of my office cubicle…boss is gone and I am not wasting any time working.  Besides, I’m having withdrawals from having not seen Hugh Laurie since…er, yesterday.

It is with utmost delight that I bear you news that Britney Spears-Federline’s reality based show, "Chaotic" is regarded by critics as nothing more than an idiotic attempt to gain fandom attracting only 3.66 million viewers on it’s debut night (and losing one every single minute during the episodes’ entire run). There is indeed a kind God out there **rubs prayer beads**.  Apparently, this pregnancy is sucking every good sense out of her puny little brain - when a video clip showed her and her scumbug of a husband, enjoying a bit of an adrenaline rush while perilously speeding in their Ferrari - wearing no fucking seatbelts to boot.  And Britney,  while you’re at it,  snort some coke so you can make your unborn child smarter than you!!!

I’d like to agonize for them; but I’m enjoying the bad publicity too much.  I’m beginning to like Paris Hilton…at least she’s not pretentious…she’s a self-absorbed wind bag but not pretentious (using the term loosely). One thing is certain, those two are meant for each other - definitely two halves of one demented whole.   Their spurious relationship makes me root for J-lo and MUF’s  marriage to endure 6 more months of unadulterated bliss.

These two are major league skanks and are fucking idiots in every sense of the word. 

The Washington Post: "There’s no danger of anyone ever dumbing it down. A dumber downer would potentially be lethal. It would have to be buried in lead for 10,000 years, like nuclear waste … An execrable mess by absolutely any standard, though of course these days the idea of standards is just all too uncool. It was America’s crummiest home video."

In other Britney related news,  preggo Mrs. Federline was seen puking her guts out by the poolside of a rather swanky hotel.  According to eyewitnesses, she blamed it all on her baby - actually, she confessed everyone who was most unfortunate to see her hurl, that she was pregnant.  Yeah! Yeah!  Yak! Yak!  Taking your prenatals with Vodka again, huh Britney?

More on this lovely article here.

Click here for the ET Story.

ECK! Got nothing really against Katie. I think she’s really pretty and all. In fact, she reminds me of my cousin who is as svelte as she is. I don’t really hate Tom either; it’s hard to despise someone who is passionate about his religion, his kids, his former loves…but pair them together, and it’s Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck all over again. Not gonna work.
First of all, someone out there thinks she’s got herpes..either that or Tom slaps her around her oral orafice with his schlong too many times (see thumbnail ->)
In fact, CNN’s Ben Hemmer is up in arms about this relationship more than I am. He shrugs off this relationship as merely a sham..publicity stunt. If it is indeed to be proven true, I wouldn’t hold it against them. She’s in the upcoming "Batman Begins", him, on the anticipated blockbuster hit, "War of the Worlds".
Yet I still feel slightly disgusted…I don’t know why. The man is close to his fiftys, recently just decided to sport braces, is unfortunately apparently shorter than she is and is sickeningly always smiling and flashing his newly recontructed choppers. This duo makes me want to vomit bile! Uh-oh…too late, I already did! *runs to the bathroom sink*
One thing is for damn sure, their relationship will be put to test. Young Katie will have to brace herself for abusive months ahead. In fact, someone out there (who I’m beginning to realize hates her…must be a Chris Klein fan) posted this rather sad clipping from Star Mag exposing her, "hobbit feet".
…this black propaganda reminds me of how local mayoral elections are like back in my hometown.
You know who the hottest couple is for me? Excluding the fact that their affair could very well be the reason why this guy’s marriage went to the 9th dimension of hell, I think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt ranks number one hottest sexy couple…who by the way, doesn’t fucking need Oprah to assure the public that they are in fact, "real". Maybe if Tom would only admit he’s an asphyxiaphiliac (believe me it took me a while to spell this fucking word)…maybe, just maybe, I’d give this perterbing cuckoldry a second chance.

Here’s more on that blurb from the NY Post (it just gets better and better):

April 30, 2005 — LESS than 48 hours after Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ publicists sought to convince the world that the unlikely pair have embarked on a hot romance, CNN’s Bill Hemmer said on "American Morning": "What kind of sham is this, by the way?"
Snark, on CNN? But it raises the question: What if they concocted a publicity stunt and nobody bought it?

CBS’s "Early Show" also treated the news like a joke, running an interview with Kermit the Frog about whether he had ever dated Holmes, which sounded about as plausible as Cruise doing so.

London’s Daily Mail wrote, "When it comes to the timing of his romances, Tom Cruise just seems to get luckier and luckier … cynics will point out that the star has timed things to perfection for raising his profile."

Continue reading here. Registration to read complete article is required

Congratulations to Kendra Todd, the 26 year old savvy Real Estate Broker from Florida, for winning this season’s Apprentice.
You did an awesome, wonderful job. HOWEVER, as adept and wonderful as you are, I’d love for you to handle Tana’s wicked free thinking misfits: Brian, Kristen, and Chris. Erin was right when she confessed, "If Kendra is able to manage the three of us (referring to Danny and Michael), she deserves to be the Apprentice, if Tana manages to handle those three (the most difficult members of the Street Smarts team), she deserves the Medal of Honor!!!"

What I’m Submitting Myself to: Excruciating blood curdling screams courtesy of nephew, Ryan (am deciding to call him, "Screech")
Mood: Lazier than a python who just digested a whole gnu.

So I’m reading, perusing through my favorite sites that slam other celebrities (Mrs. Gyllenhaal’s "Stupid Famous People" being among my must read blogs), when I stumbled upon a quick blurb about Mrs. Anthony (aka the wife of the first Neanderthal to ever walk on the face of the earth…and she left Ben Asslick for him?!! **shudders**).

She was apparently one of the "talents" (HAH!) invited to perform at Wango Tango; sporting a "fuck it" shirt for all the 12 year olds to behold. It was reported that the organizers were "shocked" to see her crass slogan…ya know, she’s just trying to be cool man (although this blatant agenda pushing needs to be stopped!) First, she wanted to proove to everyone especially PETA, she’s reached the pinnacle of fashion sophistication by wearing fur…apparently, it didn’t faze J-lo that PETA advocates sent her graphic pictures and videos of the dead creatures she uses for the sake of the rag trade.
Give the woman a break, she’s still suffering from digression…the moment she slew MUF’s (Mr. Ugly Face - that’s the best I can come up with ) marriage to the former Ms. Universe, Dayanara Torres, her image faced impending doom.
Dayanara, she did you a favor…c’mon now, if MUF wasn’t successful would you have REALLY considered having him touch you in the naughty places? IIIIIIII Dooooooon’t TTTTThink Sooooooo!!!

Complete article found here, Aptly titled, "Curse of Jennifer Lopez"

Neener Neener Neener!!!

As of 9:38 pm, May 18, here’s a list of things that make me want to gouge my eyes out with rusty spoon…

- Stacked (what the fuck is it still doing on air?)
- lunatics on the road who can’t decide what lane to stay on…might as well WALK you mother*bleep**bleep*!!!
- Shark Boy and Lava Girl…WTF?!!
- chicken teriyaki bowls…that don’t taste anything like - chicken
- Paris Hilton and her minimal knowledge of words… this woman is a certifiable bimbo… not to mention she needs constant vaginal douche treatments. The woman has nominal aphasia!!! Let her go back to 1st grade!!!
- something about Tom Cruise’ forced PDA makes me want to choke an endangered animal
- Sela Ward’s "BLEH" acting performance on House. And this woman won 2 Emmy’s?!!
- MPAA’s attack on torrent hosting and tv show swapping **flashes the bird**
- Homophobes (that’s why all of them get their comeuppance when they get sent away…in maximum security penitentiary)
- vehement aspersion of anti House/Cameron groups against people who DO ship for the House/Cameron relationship (yeah eat shit when House sticks down his tongue in Cambooty’s throat!)
- hapless depressing office labor… ’nuff said
- as of today, Mark fucking Cabar hasn’t paid us a dime for the money he pissed away on either drugs or gambling. Incarcerate this fool!
- the moderator for the friendster groups who phased out Spongebob Squarepants. I so needed to belong in that group you asshat!

Now that wasn’t too bad, I could have written a whole slew of things on my shitlist (yes this list is in fact - SHORT ) but I’m feeling much better that I’ve written them all down *takes a swig from ice cold corona*

Tootles!!!

What I’m listening to: In the Waiting Line by Zero 7
Current Mood: drunk and out of my mind

As of 1:03 am, May 18th, the things that I cannot shake off my head while fighting off insomnia are:

- A bestfriend with the last name of Wilson
- a cane with a veritical stripe design
- a 45 year old British actor who played Bertie Wooster
- a 46 Danish-American actor who is a poet and photographer (sexy dimpled chin as added sexy accesory)
- i-shuffle
- the omnious thoughts of killing Stacy off in the House episdoes
- Corona and salmon
- dreams of owning my very own PSP
- dreams of owning my own MAC Powerbook (do not want to share with garage band software hoggers)
- krispy kreme donuts on tuesdays
- a twenty something fictional physician named Allison Cameron
- Zero 7
- dreading the erradication of torrent sites
- the” Garden State “Soundtrack
- the season premier of Six Feet Under
- coffee mocha with whip
- Bunnicula
- Laura Dugan and her abillity to iron shirts
- Nestle Flips
- Flight of the Phoenix (just because Hugh is there)
- Maybe Baby (just because Huge is there too)
- excitement over the trailer release of Goblet of Fire
- garlic spinach
- lechon kawali with Mang Tomas Lechon sauce
- brain stem edema
- listening to Teardrop by Massive Attack
- listening to Rollercoaster by EBTG
- Jimmy Kimmel
- Emmy nominations for Best Actor in a Drama Series
- the abhorrence of the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise hoopla
- the acceptance of the possible Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sexual romp in Africa
- utter amazement of the oozing sex appeal of mi amor Viggo Mortensen
- my daughter’s ability to be as fast as lightning
- my son’s upcoming talent show

Just those for now…thought I’d write them down so I remember what the hell I did when I got drunk on a late Wednesday morning.

What I’m Listening to: Is this love by Bob Marley **bows down** I’m not worthy I’m not worthy!!!
Current Mood: BLEH…and I also feel fat **jeers and boos from crowd**

I’ve just realized I’ve dedicated almost half of these posts to my pathetic obsession with House. Oh fuck it. I love being pathetic; it’s better to do that than wallow in self pity (because I’m just like the fictional character, Dr. Gregory House..and my insecurities also stem from the fact that I am “damaged”).

When I swam in my own pool of self-doubt, I sought comfort by excersizing my right as a netizen and stumbled upon a link to Viggo, mi amor, Mortensen’s preview to his new movie, “History of Violence”. For someone who is turning 47 this year, he looks awful DELISH (wtih a head full of hair). See, there is no way one can only like one thing. If Hugh ever stepped away from the stoplight and stalking him would earn me a restraining order, I’ll have to find my next sexy obsession…ooooh Vigooooooooo.

Because God isn’t cruel at all, even with the upcoming end to House’ astonishing 1st year, I am being blessed with the coming of the 5th and *gasp* final season of Six Feet Under… it’s another group of dysfunctional individuals I hold dear to my heart and already consider to be part of who I am. I do not get into “Alias” or “Lost”…I don’t think the lessons I will learn in my life will be borrowed from watching, action or horror flicks (although I DO love to scare myself shitless sometimes). I get how House is, I know what Bridget Jones goes through…absurd but unbelievably true, I learn and almost see myself in these characters.

I’m going to miss Greg House…I’m going to miss witnessing the sexual tension we House/Cameron shippers exaggerate during constant discussions every week. I’m going to miss seeing that uber sexy stubble and that pimpin cane (and for the record, it is NOT literally, A pimping cane…he’s a gimp). I’m going to miss those gorgeous blue eyes that always successfully send electric stimuli around my chest and thighs. I’ll be waiting…damn a whole summer is extremely long to see him again. Viggo better start comin’ around. I’m gonna need some serious eye candy treatment because I know this whole House detox thing isn’t going to be pretty.

Oh I’d also like to use this oppurtunity to post my deepest gratitude to Pip, Moe and Curly by inducting me into their prestigous group, known only as, “The Stooges”. Knight me oh mighty one!!!